Growing up in an Italian family, I was always taught to with-hold my emotions. You know, the healthy ones that help you to become mentally stable. I am not going to blame my parents entirely because that would be irresponsible of me (and everyone knows how responsible I am) and that is what they were conditioned to think. Well more my dad than my mom. My mom always used words like 'I love you' and 'I'm worried about you' she still uses those words.
My dad would just hand me a 20 and pat me on the head; in fact he still does that, funny how things don't change much with parents as you grow older. But words such as love, sad and crying were definitely not part of his vocabulary.
As a kid, he was taught those things make you weaker, or are only shared between the intimacy of two people. So it is no wonder this over zealous 30 something still has confusion on how to control or express her emotions. Of course I always tell my kids I love them and tell my husband to say those particular heavy words which mean so much to our children on a daily basis but it's my own erratic-ness that needs checking every once in a while. So my question is: do I / should I see a shrink? Definitely.
But my shrink is unconventional; My church? Heard of by so many,
utilized by millions. Oh come on, you know what it is, it's the gym!
Yes the tried and true tested place where many meet on a daily basis to pay homage to the metal gods and shed millions of sweat induced tears, ripping up every muscle fiber they have within them.
I always seem to lose myself and track of time when I am there. Sweaty drips on the tip of my nose allowing me to think of only one thing; QUITTING IS NOT AN OPTION!
Why is this the place I decide to work out all my negativity, all my teenage induced, adult angst ? It's because it's the one thing that has stayed constant in my life. No matter what I have gone through in my life, new job, marriage, loss of job, pregnancy, loss of family member, pregnancy, old job, happy days, sad days, birthdays, more pregnancies; the smell of the sweat, the clanking of the dumbbells and the humming of the treadmill is always there to welcome me home. All those welcoming sounds are there to tell me, "it's alright; you can
calm down, life will be ok".
Many people have said to me, where do you get your motivation? Can you loan me a piece of it? The truth is, I don't need any motivation, this is the time I am carving out just for me. Time that I don't have to hear "mommy" about a million times, time that I don`t need to be vacuuming the thousands of accumulated crumbs all over the kitchen floor, time that i can actually make to be by myself, with myself. Uninterrupted ME time.
No guilt, no prejudice, no interrupting emotions! Just me and my hard pressed iron. Yes it may be difficult to wake up before the chickens and lace on my kicks but the feeling of euphoria I get when I open the big glass doors to my home, my place of me is like seeing your newborn for the first time. You feel relief, giddy, excited and scared. But that fear, that sense of the unknown, of building something so brand new, calling something all your own is what makes walking into that gym all the
Live from the inside out,